Tag Archives: the future

Golf with the Epsteins

It’s Monday morning at opticnerve™ and the studio is suffused with a reddish light.  The tide is low and on the side of the pier a few feet above the waterline a blue balloon is rolling from rock to rock.  Spills sits next to the refrigerator beneath a cow skull and edits a spot.  Zucchini sleeps on a cushion in front of the fire.  There are two bananas left in the fruit bowl.  Telephones ring and everyone says Good morning.

Jon Kane is wearing a red shirt that is shiny and buttons up in the front.  There are dolphins jumping on the back of it. His shoes are checkered, black and white.  They match the checkers painted along the sides of his vintage car.  Godfrey stands in the kitchen holding a coffee mug and tells Jon he looks like the Prince of opticnerve™.  Spills points out “You got a zipper issue,” and Jon zips up his fly.

No-body sits at the dining room table.  Godfrey holds a postcard up in front of her and asks her if she knows what it is; she answers that it is the Mouth of Truth.   “Yes,” Godfrey says. “La Bocca della Verità.”

On Friday the first of many guest bloggers visited the studio to interview Jon about a plane crash he witnessed in 1977.  The resulting story was what might be called a qualified success: in his private correspondence with No-body, our guest blogger remarked, “[the post] was incoherent and got no comments.”  You can read the story for yourself to make up your mind.

Jon pours half and half over his raisin bran. He says yesterday he bit his tongue so hard it bled for half an hour.

No-body thinks our guest blogger got the story about the plane crash right but two important details are missing. First, the man who survived the plane crash was the first person to survive a fire that burned off 100% of his skin.  They kept the man alive by putting him in a full body rubber suit with tubing that cycled healing chemical fluids between the rubber and his burned off skin.  This made him famous.  He spoke at conventions.

The second important detail is how this story began.  It began with Jon’s father telling him “Today we’re going to play golf with the Epsteins.”

No-body knows this is important because No-body is sitting at the dining room table at the beginning of a story that hasn’t happened yet.  She looks at the serpent painted on the wall and its forked tongue.  The empty swing sways before her and the table gleams.  The studio looks like a postcard in her mind.  She imagines Godfrey holding it up before her and asking her if she knows what it is.

Yes, she answers.  It is golf with the Epsteins. This means any minute the world will explode into terrible, incomprehensible beauty.  Although right now people are eating cereal, soon they may be weeping on their knees.   No-body knows for sure.

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Something Has to Happen

Jon Kane is out of the office today and the woodshop stands empty.  Outside the opticnerve™ studio windows, the ocean is a swampy green. The hatchlings in the walls were noisy last week; today they have fallen silent. The cold may have put them to sleep.

Here it is happy hour (the woman at the liquor store calls us The Bulleit Boys).

What kind of adventure would you like us to take you on next?  We have an excellent firsthand account of a fatal 1977 plane crash stored in the backroom.  Alternately, Rang Rang has suggested we lighten things up a little and begin an opticnerve™ dating game.

Remember: while the grim past is illuminated by memory’s lantern, the future remains obscured by the darkness of the unknown.

Today the pictured door is closed.

If you have any comments for Jon, rest assured his door is sometimes open.  No-body can convey said comments to him when it is.


Choose Your First Adventure

Jon Kane likes things a certain way.  His cigarette lighter is twelve inches long, his terrycloth slippers are toeless, and the handcrafted trail mix in his studio is his own special recipe.  His year-round Christmas lights are equipped with dimmers, his fridge is well-stocked with Fresca, and if you don’t let him merge on the freeway, he will calmly run into you with his car.   Now he’s building a web presence, and he’s building it his way.

Jon Kane has requested a blog “In the style of Hemingway: short sentences. No fancy words.”It should be sensational and X-rated, but appropriate for twelve-year-old girls.  The blog, which is to be an honest chronicle of opticnerve antics that somehow avoids the censure of spurned lovers or nosy policemen, will recall a newspaper in structure.

Does this sound impossible?  Jon Kane has been known to end a fight with a single punch.  He wants a blog and we are going to give him one.

We have our setting.  We have our lead character.  We have a stockpile of modern day tall tales for you.  But we haven’t picked our first story.  We’ll find out what you want to hear first, then tell it to you the way that you like it best.

Generally speaking, what’s your poison?  Most votes in each category wins.

Specific requests and questions will be addressed in the comments below.

Once we have your feedback, we are ready to move forward.  The stories we’ll tell you over the next month range from the sweet and fanciful to the gruesome and macabre.  There are orphaned baby birds, doorless helicopter rides over Manhattan, and parties even  Caligula couldn’t have dreamed up (because they were so child-appropriate). At all times, it is important to remember that some of the names and places have been deranged. Or changed.